Welcome To My Own Worst Critic

Welcome, My name is Justin and I have Mental Illness. Addiction also runs through my veins. I am glad to say I have been clean several years. This blog was meant to be more about me than about you. I will post journal entries here, but I will also post advice and often entire posts about mental health though. We are often toughest on ourselves, and I do not lack innocence. For I am in fact My Own Worst Critic.

I put on a façade for everyone, that says I was better then I was, and superior to them. In reality I was inferior to the most unfavorable. When you do things that don’t align with your beliefs, they become a habit, and that fixation or impulse is exhausting and troublesome to breach. When I evaluated, revaluated, and revaluated myself over, over time, I improved on my contravening actions and poor portrayal of how a human should act.” – Justin

Who do I want to become?

There comes a point in everyone’s life where they need to evaluate themselves, and throughout their lives when they need to reevaluated themselves. I have already reached the point of that first evaluation. Probably later than most, however it is never too late to grow and improve on your integrity and character. The two questions I asked myself were, am I the person I want to be? Do you align with your morals and values? When I inquired to myself about this question, I did not like and was not fond of the answer. I was a liar, cheat, and a thief. I let my lustful notions rule my life. I didn’t see the good in people, I was jealous, I wanted what they had. I was not elated by who I was. I put on a façade for everyone, that says I was better then I was, and superior to them. In reality I was inferior to the most unfavorable. When you do things that don’t align with your beliefs, they become a habit, and that fixation or impulse is exhausting and troublesome to breach . When I evaluated, revaluated, and revaluated myself over, over time, I improved on my contravening actions and poor portrayal of how a human should act. I still suffer from mental illness and a lack of independence that I want and deserve because of my predispositions. I am proud to say one thing I do not suffer from anymore is…I don’t loathe myself for the conditions I am facing and have to deal with.Everyone is asked as child what do you want to do when you grow up? As an adult you’re asked what do you want to accomplish by 25, 30, 40.  Most peoples’ answers have to do with financial stability.  My answers are to the contrary.

Everyone is asked as child what do you want to do when you grow up? As an adult you’re asked what do you want to accomplish by 25, 30, 40.  Most peoples’ answers have to do with financial stability or having a family.  My answers are to the contrary. Knowing ones intentions, that is your own intentions, is definitely a self revelation everyone needs to strive for.  One day in my life I would like to feel confident in my decisions and knowing that I had no mal intentions behind them. I want people to know that from the beginning, my intentions were help them and want to see them flourish in their wants and dreams without expecting anything in return

Being confident in who you are and comfortable in your own skin is something we all could benefit from.  Many of us already are and feel that way.  I am not, I am working towards it and eventually I will be and this is a main goal in my life.  Events that plagued my childhood and adulthood, and actions I have taken that I am not proud of, cloud my self worth.  (I will speak later on my struggles with mental illness and how it keeps me from working which in turn takes my pride, crumbles it up, and throws it away with my self confidence.) Self confidence isn’t something you can alchemize from nothing. It takes a plethora of hard work and perseverance to gain it, and many of us living without never achieve it. Especially those living with mental illness. Self worth and confidence is something I admire in the many individuals in the world who have it. For I do not. My façade acts like I do, but deep down, the anxiety riddled me tells me I am not good enough, and that I am doomed to fail. Going about life everyday and worrying about failing, and not being accepted, isn’t a normal life. So every day I strive to surge my self confidence and self worth even if it’s just by a miniscule amount.

When boarding an airplane they inform you to always put the oxygen mask on yourself before you put it on your baby or help the person beside you. This is because if you can’t help yourself, then you are unable to give assistance to another. Ultimately then everyone will die. Sorry to be malevolent. Helping others while helping yourself is not a selfish act. It is merely keeping your spirits and energy high, so that in times of need and crisis you remain artfully bolstered for those in need. My goal is to be able to help others while remaining observant to my needs so that I can assist them to my fullest magnitude.

Lastly, the person I want to become, I want to make decisions based on the morals and values I believe. There are universal truths. It’s easy to talk the talk, but do you walk the walk?