Revolutions Between Situational Anxiety And Anxiety

What is situational Anxiety and anxiety?

We will have to start by defining the latter half of this question first. Anxiety is defined as “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” – Oxford Dictionary…This only can mean that situational anxiety is the exact same thing but is caused by a situation, rather than a predisposition or mental illness.

How Anxiety Affects Me

A crippling bothersome feeling overwhelms me. The constant underlying feeling of losing control. A heavy feeling of heaviness on your chest. I feel just like Giles Corey in The Crucible. Except the difference is instead of saying “More weight” I beg for the weight to be lifted off of me. Anger always seems to get the best of me as I get irritated at the most rational request. On the inside I feel sad and lonely because I am short with people. So I will seclude myself causing even more loneliness. Most of the time it is regular anxiety that affects me. I can’t narrow it down what is bothering me. That bothers me more. Then it becomes situational anxiety because I have anxiety about why I have anxiety. It’s troublesome sharing my situational anxiety with people. I feel defenseless. Putting down my defenses, and sharing everything about myself is almost near impossible. Even to the people I’m closest to. I get my anxiety out by writing in my journal and this blog(Which I haven’t done the best this past week). Other times, which most of the time, I don’t handle my anxiety well. I just pace the floor. I did something different this time and wrote a rap about my anxiety. I used some words that are old English. If you don’t understand them, it’s okay. I knew what I meant and that is what mattered.

My Anxiety Rap

In the distance my reality seems quaint
For the realm I live in, the thoughts, and dreams
Are as I say ever-so far from faint

With my life lack of quate
Or maybe just in my eyes
For in another’s it may be far from innate

Though nobody may ask, I am no saint
But what begotten are the…
These anxieties that act more like a haint

My mind tells me things, they’re taint-
-ed….It only tells me what I could do
Not what I can do, as I said what I caint

My self respect is at all low, that I don’t participate
It never feels good, to have no self love
But what I need to believe, is me, me, I am abstrait

Abstract, abstract is what I am, unique, unique is first-rate
I say first-rate but what I mean is I’m in first-place
If only if I could feel, how I feel when I make others’ elate

What your reading is an abstrait
of My first-rate, my first-rate first-place rap
About my anxieties, how I feel, and how they’re collate-

How My Spirituality Suffers, Am I Good Enough?

Spirituality is something I would like to say I claim to have all the time, and is solidified in my existence. I am a firm believer in a set of beliefs, known to be as a religion and faith. Many others before me have questioned their own existence at times. Why am I here? What is my purpose? Where will I go when I die?

Unfortunately I have to say that my mental health is rarely in check. So I often ask myself these questions, and it causes me insurmountable anxiety. What do we do when our Spiritual beliefs are in question? When we are asking what if? When our Mental Health is suffering and giving us negative thinking patterns? I don’t know if I am qualified to answer the question. On the spiritual basis. As I am just starting to re-attain my affiliation with my higher power. However, on a mental health basis I believe I am qualified. Although my mental health is rarely in check it fluctuates. I will, however, give advice on both spiritual struggles because of your mental struggles.

I struggle a lot with self confidence and self acceptance issues. This can easily lead you to understand why I have a spiritual crisis at times. If I can’t accept myself, how can I accept that I am a good person or/and that my higher power will accept me. It comes down to self love. At times I have a lot of it. Other times I have absolutely none. I was told by my therapist this. “I overcompensate my actions, because I’m an addict, and constantly worry that I will self-sabotage.” That is why I constantly worry am I doing the right thing, good enough for me, my higher power, or someone else. How can I overcome this? It comes down to two things, self love and trusting oneself.

How do you do these two things you may ask? I have stolen the following 8 steps from

Increase Your Self-Love: 8 Ways to Be Good to Yourself – TinyBuddha – By: Pinky Jangra

1. Set boundaries.

A good sign of how much you love yourself is how you let other people treat you.

Do they walk all over you?

Do you go to the ends of the earth to please them, at the detriment of yourself?

Do they speak or act unkindly to you, put you down, and trample on your dreams?

Do they put you at the bottom of their list?

Although I’ve experienced all of these things, people pleasing was my big one. I always said yes to people for fear of upsetting them. As a result, I spent precious time and energy in situations that I didn’t even want to be in.

Setting boundaries is often as simple as knowing when to say no. We worry that people will stop liking us if we do this. But, I find that if you do it confidently and lovingly, those who care will respect you for it and even change their behavior with you. And those who do walk away, do you really want them there anyway?

2. Watch your self-talk.

I once read, “If you spoke to your friends the way you speak to yourself, would they still be your friends?” In my case they certainly wouldn’t, because I’d be saying things like:

You’re thirty-two and you still get pimples, your teeth are wonky, and you’re getting out of shape.

You’re not going to achieve your goals.

You don’t have a right to ask for what you want or speak your mind—keep quiet.

Other people are more important than you; their wishes should come first.

Imagine saying that to your friends! You’d never say it to them, so don’t say it to yourself.

With self-awareness and practice we can notice these thoughts in our minds and make a conscious decision to stop them or reverse them into positives.

3. Take time to “do you.”

There’s always someone who wants a piece of you—your boss, spouse, kids, friends, parents, siblings, the bank manager. Do you know who else wants and needs a piece of you? You!

When we truly love someone, we take time to nurture their well-being. How often do you do this for yourself?

I know life is busy, but I always make time to do things that make me feel looked after—exercise, time alone, a little pampering. Giving yourself permission to nurture yourself creates the beliefs that you are worthy and loved.

4. Be honest with yourself and others.

If someone’s dishonest with you, you don’t like it. Same goes for when you are dishonest with yourself—it hurts! Being honest in my eyes means that our words and actions reflect the truth of our heart and soul—in front of anyone and everyone.

For years I was dishonest with my family about who I really was.

I liked to party, drank alcohol, had relationships, and had no interest in getting an arranged marriage. This may seem normal to most, but these things were all frowned upon by my family. So although I did them, I also hid them.

This dishonesty seemed harmless until I realized that I was sending an unloving message to myself that who I really was, was wrong and shameful.

Being honest about my feelings is my biggest challenge, as it makes me feel vulnerable. But in vulnerability lies great power, so I try and speak my truth as often as possible.

The more you do it, the easier it becomes, and as long as you are not hurting anyone, expression from a place of honesty opens up so much space inside you. You feel free. You feel worthy. You feel loved.

5. Allow yourself to feel painful emotions, and nurture yourself through them.

For some reason we have learned to shun feelings of hurt, sadness, fear, depression, hopelessness, and so on, as if they are somehow wrong. When I was sad and hurt after a breakup, pride took the part of me that was sad and tried to shut it away.

I had little compassion or acceptance for my own feelings of rejection, hurt, and unworthiness. I tried to quickly move on from heartbreak, dealing with everything in my head rather than my heart. So this pain remained inside me, unloved and unhealed.

What if a small child were sad? We’d comfort them because we love them and want them to feel supported. They are fragile. But so are you. We are all fragile when in pain, so we must support ourselves, comfort ourselves, and love ourselves when we need it most.

6. Let yourself off the hook.

There’s no such thing as perfection, though you could say that you are perfect in your imperfection. Everyone makes mistakes or struggles at some things, it’s natural. I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to get everything right.

So isn’t it funny that we berate ourselves—the opposite of love—for not meeting a standard that’s impossible to reach in the first place? There’s no winning there! The only way to win is to let yourself off the hook.

7. Watch who you spend time with.

They say you turn out like the five people you spend most time with.

Many years ago I remember being surrounded by people who had quite a negative outlook on life. We all go through dark times, but none of us want to get trapped in them.

I realized the most loving thing we can do to help ourselves out of a negative state is surround ourselves with positive energy. The goal isn’t to find people who are always positive—none of us are. It’s to spend time around people who are making a conscious effort to release negativity.

Your life is too precious. Love yourself enough to distance yourself from people who dim your light and find those who help you shine brighter.

8. Know who you really are.

Because when you find out who you really are, you won’t be able to help but love yourself.

Did you know, almost every element on Earth was formed at the heart of a star? So your body is made of stardust! Your soul is a pure and powerful energy. Your life as you know it, is a unique expression in consciousness that will never exist again. You are a miracle. Who doesn’t love a miracle?

So if you were to ask me now, how much do I love myself? I’d say six or seven. I’ve still got work to do, and decades of conditioning to be dissolved. But life is a journey. Few things come to us instantly, especially this sort of transformation.

Learning to love ourselves may be our life’s work. And true joy comes from the realization that not only do you deserve love, you are love.

Take time to mend the steps together

I personally have trouble focusing on the individual steps. Feeling like I am only accomplishing one step and not all of them. All of these steps intermingle between self-trust and self-love. Blend them, mend them, let them work together and know the inner workings of each other step. That is where you will find your answer. To, Why am I here? And what is my purpose?

As far as where you will go when you die, you need a qualified individual. A spiritual or faith based leader if that is the type of answer you are seeking. For me I do worry about it. I just try to do my best on a daily basis, and show everyone the same love I wish to be shown.

Well those are my feelings towards my mental health and my spirituality and how I face them and how I need to improve. I need to focus less on the individual steps, and focus more on how they can work together. Once I can do that I will be more comfortable in my skin, and maybe better equipped to handle my mental illness.

My mental health battles

“Even when everything’s going your way you can still be sad. Or anxious. Or uncomfortable numb.” – Furiously Happy By: Jenny Lawson.

There is a constant unhappiness, irritibility, and frustration about me that nobody but myself seems to understand.  No it’s not because I just wrecked my car or stubbed my toe, it’s because I suffer from mental illness.  Bipolar II Disorder to be exact, also known as Bipolar Depression.  This condition immobilizes me and keeps me from doing the things I once loved.  Enjoying daily life is a thing of the past for me, as much as I try, I just don’t have enjoyment of my day to day interactions.  I isolate myself, I am a recluse and a loner.  The lack of energy I live with keeps me in bed most of the time, except when I do force myself to get out and attempt to improve my sense of well being.  You may ask yourself, what do I do to improve my overall well being?  Well I go to therapy, I go to support groups (When I find the strength to get out of this prison I call home)  There are a multitude of doctors on my side including a psychologist and a psychiatrist.  I am on medications, which make me able to function much more than if I took none at all.  Taking my life was an option I once chose and failed at before, and without my medications I’m afraid those circumstances would repeat.  I do wish to live, regardless of my struggles.  Self harm used to be a daily event in my life, it brought me a physical pain to what I considered an irrational pain. 

This is what my Bipolar Depression looks like, and I wouldn’t wish it on my most considerable enemies.

A heavy hearty, feeling of dread, irritability, nervousness, changes in breathing, tenseness, and fearfullness, anxiety is a debilitating event to endure.  I endure it every minute of every hour of every day.  There is a constant fear of what is next and a heavy feeling weighing down your chest.  My muscles are always tight and my breathing is from the shoulders which makes my chest hurt even more.  Often my extreme anxiety turns into an anxiety attack which in turn warps into a panic attack.  During a panic attack I often feel like I’m having a heart attack, gull bladder attack, or kidney stone.  Every pain in my body is multiplied by 100.  Fear overwhelmes me and many times over and over I have ended up in the emergency room.

This is what my anxiety looks like, and I wouldn’t wish it on my most capable enemies.

When you add these two together, along with a hint of ADHD (Which makes me pace the floor in the hopes I find the drive to do something and overpower my depression) you get me.  Justin McTurnan.  Many times I have ended up in the psychiatric unit at the hospital because of my extreme depression and suicidal thoughts, and no I am not ashamed to admit that.  I can’t work because of my mental illness and am currently trying to get government assistance for my disabilities.  That I can say, I am ashamed of.  For many years I worked a full time job, and was just fine other than some minute anxiety.  But at the age of 23 my first suicidal thoughts appeared and the spiraling of my mental health led me to a rock bottom.  Which eventually led to drug abuse.

I suffer from the disease of addiction, I became addicted to opiate pain killers in my mid twenties using them to cope with my mental health.  I was self medicating.  I also turned to benzodiapines and eventually heroin.  I am proud to say at the moment of writing this I have been clean 3 years 6 months and 7 days.

When you put all three of these together, Bipolar Depression, Anxiety, Addiction, four if you include ADHD the result is an individual who barely copes with the daily workings of day to day life.