“Even when everything’s going your way you can still be sad. Or anxious. Or uncomfortable numb.” – Furiously Happy By: Jenny Lawson.
There is a constant unhappiness, irritibility, and frustration about me that nobody but myself seems to understand. No it’s not because I just wrecked my car or stubbed my toe, it’s because I suffer from mental illness. Bipolar II Disorder to be exact, also known as Bipolar Depression. This condition immobilizes me and keeps me from doing the things I once loved. Enjoying daily life is a thing of the past for me, as much as I try, I just don’t have enjoyment of my day to day interactions. I isolate myself, I am a recluse and a loner. The lack of energy I live with keeps me in bed most of the time, except when I do force myself to get out and attempt to improve my sense of well being. You may ask yourself, what do I do to improve my overall well being? Well I go to therapy, I go to support groups (When I find the strength to get out of this prison I call home) There are a multitude of doctors on my side including a psychologist and a psychiatrist. I am on medications, which make me able to function much more than if I took none at all. Taking my life was an option I once chose and failed at before, and without my medications I’m afraid those circumstances would repeat. I do wish to live, regardless of my struggles. Self harm used to be a daily event in my life, it brought me a physical pain to what I considered an irrational pain.
This is what my Bipolar Depression looks like, and I wouldn’t wish it on my most considerable enemies.
A heavy hearty, feeling of dread, irritability, nervousness, changes in breathing, tenseness, and fearfullness, anxiety is a debilitating event to endure. I endure it every minute of every hour of every day. There is a constant fear of what is next and a heavy feeling weighing down your chest. My muscles are always tight and my breathing is from the shoulders which makes my chest hurt even more. Often my extreme anxiety turns into an anxiety attack which in turn warps into a panic attack. During a panic attack I often feel like I’m having a heart attack, gull bladder attack, or kidney stone. Every pain in my body is multiplied by 100. Fear overwhelmes me and many times over and over I have ended up in the emergency room.
This is what my anxiety looks like, and I wouldn’t wish it on my most capable enemies.
When you add these two together, along with a hint of ADHD (Which makes me pace the floor in the hopes I find the drive to do something and overpower my depression) you get me. Justin McTurnan. Many times I have ended up in the psychiatric unit at the hospital because of my extreme depression and suicidal thoughts, and no I am not ashamed to admit that. I can’t work because of my mental illness and am currently trying to get government assistance for my disabilities. That I can say, I am ashamed of. For many years I worked a full time job, and was just fine other than some minute anxiety. But at the age of 23 my first suicidal thoughts appeared and the spiraling of my mental health led me to a rock bottom. Which eventually led to drug abuse.
I suffer from the disease of addiction, I became addicted to opiate pain killers in my mid twenties using them to cope with my mental health. I was self medicating. I also turned to benzodiapines and eventually heroin. I am proud to say at the moment of writing this I have been clean 3 years 6 months and 7 days.
When you put all three of these together, Bipolar Depression, Anxiety, Addiction, four if you include ADHD the result is an individual who barely copes with the daily workings of day to day life.