As much as I didn’t want to write some of this, I kept some things out for personal reasons, I went ahead and wrote it in hopes of it helping another individual.
Secretly for over a decade I was plagued with a secret. You could say this demon daily tormented me with phantasms of uneasiness, angst, and despair. It preyed upon my elation and well-being leaving me empty and fragmented. Repugnance for self is what you could say I felt day by day. I was an example of a contradistinction of the course of nature. Since puberty, an awareness overwhelmed me. I was not captivated by and had no appeal to females. This could not be, this is adjacent to my indoctrinated beliefs. Self-loathing best characterizes how I felt from puberty until I was able to come to terms with who I was. Overcoming this obstacle was an impossibility for me for a multitude of years. I did not have the courage, strength, fortitude, or stamina to do so. Each, without exception, and every day I just wished to disappear. It is conceivable that I must be an aberration. Forasmuch as my situation had me mortified, I denied, ignored, and refused to accept the circumstance I was in. Unforthcoming I would be, for to divulge this information to other would be the detriment to my mental stability, and ultimately lead to the beginnings of my self hate and self mutilation. As time sluggishly passed, daily tears poured down my cheeks, enigmas under my bed, and prayers for death were never witnessed.
We all go through points in our life where we question who we are. This is who I refused to be. Enough that I would torture myself with physical pain to deter myself from the fornication in the form of these unnatural thoughts that run about my brain. Even with all this agony of the flesh the lust continued. I prayed and I prayed diligently. Researching conversion techniques and success stories became a constant effort. Tirelessly in the efforts of the night, unbeknownst to others.
A tipping point in the man I am before you, my coming out experience was unlike many others. I did not come out on my own terms. Through college I slowly came out to friends I developed as old friends faded in the past. The first family member I told was my sister. I however, yet, was not truly “out”. A very trying time was going through families of ours. Accusations were being made against people for spite and hidden agendas for self laud. Rumors through the grapevine came about sexual exploitation of another male family member, with me being the aggressor. The accusations made were untrue. There was no unwilling bleeding of either party involved. I was confronted with this rumor by multiple people several times, including those very close. There came a point where the truth needed to be divulged regardless repercussions may be. This divulgement included the disclosure of my sexual attraction of men and not to women to my family. I first told my mother, who when confronted with the accusations of “my sexual assault of another” questioned me, and I just couldn’t hide my sexuality anymore. The repercussion went how I expected, not well. I cried with devastation. It went better than expected with my father. He said “I had an inkling and had discussed it with your mother, but she constantly denied it.” By no means was it easy, and I still feel today that individuals hold deep down, a resentment toward me because of it. I don’t get mistreated by my father at all, or in reality by my mother anymore because of my sexuality. Coming out is a very difficult process, and I wish I never had to come out. I just yearned that people found out through some other method or just knew, and never resisted me or confronted me with it, never treated me differently, and skipped the awkward episodes of having to tell them or be confronted by them over my sexual attraction to my male counterpart. I disposed of many friends I went to high school with because of my sexual attraction and because I did not want to deal with the entire process of coming out. I made new friends. My family members for the most part don’t discuss my sexuality, and when they do it usually isn’t too negative but I do hear quite a few opinionative statements. Which everyone is allowed an opinion. Opinions are like eyeballs, everyone has them, well i think that’s how it goes.