Revolutions Between Situational Anxiety And Anxiety

What is situational Anxiety and anxiety?

We will have to start by defining the latter half of this question first. Anxiety is defined as “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” – Oxford Dictionary…This only can mean that situational anxiety is the exact same thing but is caused by a situation, rather than a predisposition or mental illness.

How Anxiety Affects Me

A crippling bothersome feeling overwhelms me. The constant underlying feeling of losing control. A heavy feeling of heaviness on your chest. I feel just like Giles Corey in The Crucible. Except the difference is instead of saying “More weight” I beg for the weight to be lifted off of me. Anger always seems to get the best of me as I get irritated at the most rational request. On the inside I feel sad and lonely because I am short with people. So I will seclude myself causing even more loneliness. Most of the time it is regular anxiety that affects me. I can’t narrow it down what is bothering me. That bothers me more. Then it becomes situational anxiety because I have anxiety about why I have anxiety. It’s troublesome sharing my situational anxiety with people. I feel defenseless. Putting down my defenses, and sharing everything about myself is almost near impossible. Even to the people I’m closest to. I get my anxiety out by writing in my journal and this blog(Which I haven’t done the best this past week). Other times, which most of the time, I don’t handle my anxiety well. I just pace the floor. I did something different this time and wrote a rap about my anxiety. I used some words that are old English. If you don’t understand them, it’s okay. I knew what I meant and that is what mattered.

My Anxiety Rap

In the distance my reality seems quaint
For the realm I live in, the thoughts, and dreams
Are as I say ever-so far from faint

With my life lack of quate
Or maybe just in my eyes
For in another’s it may be far from innate

Though nobody may ask, I am no saint
But what begotten are the…
These anxieties that act more like a haint

My mind tells me things, they’re taint-
-ed….It only tells me what I could do
Not what I can do, as I said what I caint

My self respect is at all low, that I don’t participate
It never feels good, to have no self love
But what I need to believe, is me, me, I am abstrait

Abstract, abstract is what I am, unique, unique is first-rate
I say first-rate but what I mean is I’m in first-place
If only if I could feel, how I feel when I make others’ elate

What your reading is an abstrait
of My first-rate, my first-rate first-place rap
About my anxieties, how I feel, and how they’re collate-

Journal Entry 11/5/2019

The Struggle Is Real

I’m struggling immensely lately. Excessively bad aren’t words I would use to describe what I’m going through. Neither is the word okay. I feel like one would feel on the somnolent dismal and melancholy mornings they have closed a close loved one. No I haven’t lost a close loved one. My chest however, is heavy like I have. Sometimes I’m just not in touch enough with my emotions to know where my feelings are coming from.

Ever since my mental illness stepped into my life, my abilities to understand what my emotions are telling me have diminished. When will my abilities come back? I want to be able to know exactly what is going on. Yes I have some things going on. Though, they shouldn’t be causing these feelings I have.

No Sleep

I haven’t gotten any sleep. Tossing and turning all night, I did toss and turn about things that were on my mind. Are these the things that are giving me a heavy feeling to my body? Am I just minimizing the effects of my anxieties on my body?

I have come a long way on my mental health journey. A life long battle is an understanding I have that it will be. But am I losing that battle? I feel like I constantly struggle with no improvement. Working on self improvement is something I constantly do in therapy. It was the whole reason I started this blog.

How do I find purpose? Meaning?

What does spirituality mean to me? Spirituality means having a sense of purpose and having a sense of meaning. I should be able to answer the question, “Why am I here?” The Oxford Dictionary definition of spirituality is, the quality of being concerned with the human spirit or soul as opposed to material or physical things. Spirituality is not religion. However, at times spirituality and religion do go hand in hand. One can be spiritual without being religious. Spirituality is asking ideational questions. How do I find meaning? purpose? Others?

Taking Charge – What is Spirituality

For a sense of meaning and for my spiritual cup to be filled need a sense of belonging, community, association, and fellowship. I feel most accomplished when in service to others. But how can others find meaning?

Everyone finds meaning differently, but I believe you need to answer these 7 questions?

  • Who and what brings me meaning in my life?
  • What is important to me?
  • What am I truly good at?
  • What is my potential?
  • What is my perception of life, why are you here?
  • What is my definition of love, and where do I find it?
  • What are my intentions?

20 Questions For Every Spiritual Seeker

1. Why is there poverty and suffering in the world?
2. What is the relationship between science and religion?
3. Why are so many people depressed?
4. What are we all so afraid of?
5. When is war justifiable?
6. How would God want us to respond to aggression and terrorism?
7. How does one obtain true peace?
8. What does it mean to live in the present moment?
9. What is our greatest distraction?
10. Is current religion serving its purpose?
11. What happens to you after you die?
12. Describe heaven and how to get there.
13. What is the meaning of life?
14. Describe God.
15. What is the greatest quality humans possess?
16. What is it that prevents people from living to their full potential?
17. Nonverbally, by motion or gesture only, act out what you believe to be the current condition of the world.
18. What is your one wish for the world?
19. What is wisdom and how do we gain it?
20. Are we all one?

In the hustle and bustle of today’s life we often lose the meaning of it, By living up to what we consider other’s expectations of us are. Not our own. We need to decide who we want to be and live up to it. There’s a quote by Terry Pratchett and it goes “If you don’t turn your life into a story, you just become someone else’s story.” This explains, make your own story by sharing your own experiences, channeling your own emotions, and most of all finding your own purpose.