Welcome To My Own Worst Critic

Welcome, My name is Justin and I have Mental Illness. Addiction also runs through my veins. I am glad to say I have been clean several years. This blog was meant to be more about me than about you. I will post journal entries here, but I will also post advice and often entire posts about mental health though. We are often toughest on ourselves, and I do not lack innocence. For I am in fact My Own Worst Critic.

I put on a façade for everyone, that says I was better then I was, and superior to them. In reality I was inferior to the most unfavorable. When you do things that don’t align with your beliefs, they become a habit, and that fixation or impulse is exhausting and troublesome to breach. When I evaluated, revaluated, and revaluated myself over, over time, I improved on my contravening actions and poor portrayal of how a human should act.” – Justin


I irritability is my largest struggle

From day to day I struggle with the normal things everyone else does. My biggest struggle, however, comes with irritability. I cuss, I snap, I roll my eyes. Nobody has to do anything to even tick me off. It just seems I wake up on the wrong side of the bed every single say. I feel bad about it. How does one overcome irritability? Normally I would do my research and get what the latest therapist, psychologists, and psychiatrists say about this. However, I am coming to you. My blog readers, how do you overcome your struggles with massive amounts of irritability?

Sorry For The Hiatus

I Am Sorry

It has been quite a while since I have blogged. Four months to be exact. I have not been in the best spirits. Things have finally started looking up, even though anxiety still tries to get me down. Good things happen but that voice in the back of my mind still tries to tell me this isn’t real and its all going to flip upside down any second. Honestly in the beginning I did this blog more for other people than I did for myself, I think I need to start focusing on myself at least equally if not a tad more than everyone else as for the blog is concerned.

One day a week.

That is my goal. One day a week. I will attempt to meet my expectation of blogging at least that much. Not too much to get overwhelmed but not too little to where I literally forget about it and have completely wasted my money on a blog that is floating amongst the internet.

Lets talk about routine.

That is one thing I don’t have. It’s one thing that the mentally ill yearn for and strive to achieve. When we have routine we limit the occurrences of the unknown and we can predict what our day is going to be like before it ever happens. Obviously we can’t predict everything, but you get the gist. If we at least somewhat have a routine, we limit the time our mind wanders around thinking negative thoughts and possibly getting us into trouble.

My goal

For the coming year is to improve on my routine. As of now I basically have none. I will start slow, a day or two a week I will go to a meeting or event. Eventually I will work up to a daily routine. This doesn’t mean schedule your day like military basic training. It merely means schedule your day to limit the time your mind has to wander. And Lord knowns, my mind needs a break. I would like to find a hobby. I have a lot of extra time on my hands, and I want to find something new I enjoy, lately I’ve lost enjoyment out of literally everything. I want to maybe find something new to try and hopefully regain my ability for enjoyment.

Well clocking out for tonight, hopefully I will talk to you soon and God Bless, and Best of Health!

Revolutions Between Situational Anxiety And Anxiety

What is situational Anxiety and anxiety?

We will have to start by defining the latter half of this question first. Anxiety is defined as “a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.” – Oxford Dictionary…This only can mean that situational anxiety is the exact same thing but is caused by a situation, rather than a predisposition or mental illness.

How Anxiety Affects Me

A crippling bothersome feeling overwhelms me. The constant underlying feeling of losing control. A heavy feeling of heaviness on your chest. I feel just like Giles Corey in The Crucible. Except the difference is instead of saying “More weight” I beg for the weight to be lifted off of me. Anger always seems to get the best of me as I get irritated at the most rational request. On the inside I feel sad and lonely because I am short with people. So I will seclude myself causing even more loneliness. Most of the time it is regular anxiety that affects me. I can’t narrow it down what is bothering me. That bothers me more. Then it becomes situational anxiety because I have anxiety about why I have anxiety. It’s troublesome sharing my situational anxiety with people. I feel defenseless. Putting down my defenses, and sharing everything about myself is almost near impossible. Even to the people I’m closest to. I get my anxiety out by writing in my journal and this blog(Which I haven’t done the best this past week). Other times, which most of the time, I don’t handle my anxiety well. I just pace the floor. I did something different this time and wrote a rap about my anxiety. I used some words that are old English. If you don’t understand them, it’s okay. I knew what I meant and that is what mattered.

My Anxiety Rap

In the distance my reality seems quaint
For the realm I live in, the thoughts, and dreams
Are as I say ever-so far from faint

With my life lack of quate
Or maybe just in my eyes
For in another’s it may be far from innate

Though nobody may ask, I am no saint
But what begotten are the…
These anxieties that act more like a haint

My mind tells me things, they’re taint-
-ed….It only tells me what I could do
Not what I can do, as I said what I caint

My self respect is at all low, that I don’t participate
It never feels good, to have no self love
But what I need to believe, is me, me, I am abstrait

Abstract, abstract is what I am, unique, unique is first-rate
I say first-rate but what I mean is I’m in first-place
If only if I could feel, how I feel when I make others’ elate

What your reading is an abstrait
of My first-rate, my first-rate first-place rap
About my anxieties, how I feel, and how they’re collate-